How Deadpool Enters the Infinity Wars
by E.G.Fate
Summary: A story of how Deadpool could be dragged into Infinity Wars.


**How Deadpool Enters Infinity Wars**

(Author's note: This story takes place at the end of Infinity Wars Part 1. It was create before the movie came out, and after the trailer was leaked when I was thinking about how Deadpool could be dragged into Infinity Wars.)

Peter Parker strained to listen from his cot as the other Avengers discussed what to do now. He winced in pain as the machine repaired the area of his ribcage that had gotten busted during the clash between the forces of good and Thanos. Through the pain he heard a jumble of voices as everybody pitched in information and accounts of what had happened.

Star-Lord (aka, the other Peter in the room) noticed him and said. "Hey, I think Spider-pants is awake."

Immediately, Tony Stark jumped from his seat and rushed to Peter's side. "Hey, kid. You doing ok?"

"Yeah, Mr. Stark. I'm sorry I jumped in like that. I know you said to stay back, but I—"

"I know kid. Don't apologize. Your actions saved a lot of people. I'm the one who should be apologizing. I never meant to get you involved in a war." Iron Man seemed so soft right now, reminding Peter of Uncle Ben, trying to be a good dad to him.

"You don't have to apologize either, Mr. Stark. I don't think anyone could have known that this would turn into an all-out war."

"Actually, Gamora did warn us that her dad would create havoc and war on any planet he targeted," Thor said, gesturing to the green lady as Star-Lord glared.

"Wait, ultra-evil purple guy is…this green lady's dad?" Peter asked. Instantly, he heard a roaring laugh. Peter looked over and saw an injured raccoon hooting as he jabbered about 'ultra-evil purple guy' being a great nickname. Worried he'd been hit in the head, Peter said. "Does everybody else see the talking raccoon?"

"It's ok. You're not senile." Captain America replied, nodding at him. "The talking raccoon's name is Rocket. The bulky guy with the red markings is Drax. The green lady's Gamora, adopted daughter of Thanos. They're all part of Star Lord's team along with Groot, a talking tree thing that's…somewhere around here."

Star-Lord looked around worried until Drax said. "He's downstairs playing video games with that Ant-man guy."

A chair moved as Doctor Strange entered the room his hand glowing. Sitting down he said, "I wasn't aware that Thanos was your dad. Do you know of any of his weaknesses? Or weaknesses of the people in his Black Order? Or…ex-girlfriends? Seriously, anything would help."

Gamora shook her head. "Sorry. If he's got any weaknesses, I don't know them. As to the Black Order, I didn't know they existed until recently."

"What about ex-girlfriends?" Star-Lord smiled cheekily as the green lady glared at him, then rolled her eyes and smirked.

Gamora replied, "Maybe. I'm not sure. People say he dated some girl that goes by Death, but I don't know if she's real or not. Thanos did joke about courting her."

"Wait, Death?" Peter said trying to sit up. A surge of pain caused him to groan then lie back down.

"Whoa there, Parker. Stay on your back until the regeneration cradle is done fixing you." Tony said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Peter panted. "Sorry. I … uh … I know of a lady named Death."

"What!" several people and aliens exclaimed.

All eyes on him, Peter nervously explained. "Well sort of. I know this superher…superhuman that told me one of his friends with benefits is this gal named Death who can teleport and other stuff. And that she's also dating the Mad Titan."

Gamora put a hand to her mouth and said, "That's an old nickname of my dad's."

Thor ordered. "Tell who this friend of yours is. And what's a friend with benefits?"

"Well…Ouch!" Peter said as the regeneration cradle poked him.

"Ok, that's enough talking, kid. You need to rest and let the machine do its work." Tony said putting a hand on Peter's forehead. "We'll come back to discussing Thanos's girlfriend in six hours. While we're waiting…the doctor and I can come up with some strategies for our next encounter with purple dude. Star-Lord and his team can fix their ship. And Captain America can tell Thor what friends with benefits are."

"Hey, Tony, I don't know what friends with benefits are." Captain America said.

Iron Man looked at the Cap for second then said. "Google it…then google 'doggie-style.'"

Seven hours later, as he led the four man group into the apartment building's stairwell, Peter warned Iron Man, Star-Lord, and Captain America that Deadpool was insane.

As two fellows with a basketball passed, Tony pulled the brim of his baseball hat lower as he said. "You told us that a few times already."

"Yeah, but trust me, it's worth saying way more than once." Peter replied, smiling weakly.

"How do you know this guy, anyway?" Captain America asked.

Starting at the beginning, Peter replied. "Well…my aunt ordered pizza one day and everything was going normally, pizza arrives, we pay, and everything was good until I looked out the window and saw Jeremy, the pizza guy, being beat up in an alley by a masked dude in a red costume. So, I spidey-suit-up and shove the dude off Jeremy and tell him to run. While the pizza guy ran, I tried to web the bad guy, but he takes out a katana and is like, swish, swish. So, we're fighting and I jumped behind him and gave him a push then he falls and stabs his gut straight through with his own sword.

"I freak and say don't worry I'll get you to a doctor and try to pick him up, but he punches me and is like dude, it's cool we can keep fighting. And I'm like what? And then he's like—"

"Peter!" Tony interjected giving him an annoyed look. "Summarize this, like an elevator pitch, please."

"Oh, ok, Mr. Stark." Nodding, Peter reorganized his thoughts then continued. "Anyway turned out that guy had regenerative abilities—basically he was immortal. And apparently, pizza guy is some girl's stalker that Deadpool has tried to scare off before but he didn't take the hint. And, um, that's how I met Deadpool. Also, he's not a bad guy, but like I said before he's kind of insane and definitely not a good influence."

"And you hang out with him, why?" Captain America asked, as they neared the apartment.

Grinding his teeth as he smiled, Peter didn't know how to respond. Letting the words tumble out, he replied. "Well, he's…I…it's just nice to have another superhuman around to talk to when you want a friend to rant to and tell bad jokes with. But, anyway, we're here. And remember he's crazy, so…yeah." Peter started rapidly knocking on the door, praying Deadpool was home.

"Just a second," a familiar voice from inside the apartment said. A moment later the door opened and a flowery apron-wearing Wade Wilson (aka Deadpool) looked at him smiling. Patting flour off on his jeans, he extended his hand out and exclaimed. "Peter Parker! How's my friendly neighborhood you-know-what doing."

"Good, man. And you?" Peter replied, shaking Wade's hand.

"Still have this face." Deadpool joked then said. "I'm really glad you're here. I need help. It's movie night and I can't decide: Hello Kitty Saves the Day or Star vs the Forces of Evil. Battle. For. MEWNNNNIIIIIIIII!" He cried raising his fist into the air. Then he noticed Peter cringing and said. "Something wrong, dude? Also, I made blueberry muffins."

"No. Er, yes. I'm…we're here on official business." Peter said pointing to the trio in the hall who were just beginning to realize what the word crazy really meant.

Deadpool peeked around the doorframe and gasped. "Robert Downey Jr. and both Chris's in the same place! Am I in some fan boy's wet dream?"

"Robert who?" Tony Stark said cocking an eyebrow.

Ignoring Deadpool's unintelligible statement, Peter asked. "Can we come in?"

"Yeah, this about Thanos?"

"How did you know?" Captain America asked as he and the rest entered the small, messy apartment that had posters of Golden Girls, Hello Kitty, and porn stars plastered on the walls.

"The Avengers' fight against that evil purple guy has been all over the news," Deadpool responded as he opened the oven and placed a tray of muffins on the stove. "That and I can read the script. Sorry I can't use that to help you. If I did then it'd make the movie boring and we wouldn't get any new ones. So, does anyone want a blueberry muffin? Or vegan cookie?" He said then whispered. "Don't eat the vegan cookies. They are not the good kind. They're bad ones that make you want to eat meat and murder bunnies. Cute baby bunnies. I want a bunny for Christmas…and partridge in a pear tree."

Three sets of eyes looked from Deadpool to the grimacing teenager. Peter reached across the counter and stole a muffin then said. "Blueberry muffins sound nice. Um, about Thanos…"

"Purple dude." Deadpool interjected then his eyes went wide. "You don't think I'm him in disguise, do you?"

"No!" Said Peter, shaking his head. "We uh…you said you dated Death?"

Deadpool nodded. "Yep. Bony-est ass ever. But, so good. Gave me some Skeletor styled S&M, hot, hot, f—"

"Hey!" Peter said blushing as scrambled to get Deadpool off whatever weird track he was going toward. "We've got some questions for you about this lady Death."

Snapping his fingers, Deadpool said. "Cool! I've got questions for you guys! Tony, how many versions of the Iron Man suit have you made? Will you have any drinking problems like in the comics in the next movies? Star-Lord, list your daddy issues, before and after the Ego show-down. Also, does Thor make a good bug on a windshield? Captain, seriously, still a virgin? When you gonna put the P to the V? And did you not think, if two more people bought gum from that vending machine Hydra would have won? Oh, Spidey, how do you poop in the spidey suit? Is Thanos taller than me? When are we going to see Ant-man and the Wa—"

"Deadpool!" Shouted Peter. "We are here to get information that could be vital in the fight against Thanos. You need to listen and answer our questions."

"But I've got so many questions." Deadpool whined while sticking out his lower lip.

Peter sighed. "Ok, one question then you have to just listen and answer ours. Got it?"

"Got it, dude."

After a moment of silence, Peter said. "Um, your question?"

"I'm thinking." Deadpool replied then his eyes lit up. "Oh, I know. Here's my question: If Peter Parker picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers Peter Parker picked. If Peter Parker picked a peck of pickled peppers, how many pecks of pickled peppers did Peter Parker pick? ...Well? How many?"

Straight-faced, Peter replied. "42."

"Yes, the answer to everything!" Deadpool shouted, clapping his hands. Then he sat down on his sofa and said. "Ok, I'm ready to put on my listening ears and help you in the Infinity Wars."

"Infinity Wars? What's that?" Tony asked

"Google it, no, wait that would give away the plot …Um, it's unimportant. Just welcome me to the team for box-office success. And…don't end here, please."

"What do you mean 'don't end here?"

 **The End**

 _(That's what I mean — X)_


End file.
